Ashley's Surprise
by Frostbite Journals
Summary: A crack humor fanfiction. Fourth wall breaks and lots of characters, nearly all male. Ashley has a surprise for the hotter regions of video games...


**Woohoo, fourth wall breaks!**

"Where the hell am I?"

Chris Redfield woke up suddenly, and wasn't the only one. A loud bell was ringing, and he was surrounded by other groggy, strange men. They all seemed to have been sleeping on the floor. Through the mass of bodies, he found his Lieutenant. Not only Piers, but Leon as well. In fact, Krauser and Jake were here too.

"Piers! Are you okay?" he asked, running over to make sure the man wasn't hurt. "I'm fine." Piers answered, sitting up. "Where are we?" he asked, just as the bell stopped ringing.

Where they were, was in a large, square, and perfectly white room. The other men were starting to gather themselves. And one stood out quite clearly, one with blonde hair...

"Wesker!"

"Chris!" the man said, swiveling around and gritting his teeth.

"Wesker!"

"Chris!"

"Wes-"

"Captain. Calm down." Piers advised, restraining his commanding officer as Wesker disappeared into the crowd. "He's dead and trapped. He can't hurt anyone. What about these other guys?"

Chris stared around the room. He recognized Billy Coen, Jack Krauser, Jake Muller, Leon Kennedy, and Derek Simmons. Also present were Crispin Jettingham (Dee Ay), Josh Stone, Carlos Oliviera, and who he thought might have been Osmund Saddler without the giant purple cloak. Alexander Kozachenko was also present here. "What are we all doing here?" he wondered out loud. "Look! Some of these guys aren't even from Resident Evil!" he noticed.

A larger group of men, who all rather looked like they needed sleep, turned to the voice. "We got here from Silent Hill." one man said. "Have you seen my daughter, Cheryl?"

"Or my brother, Josh?" Another man, wearing an army coat like Chris's own said. Two men in green jackets waved, one with blond locks rather like Leon's, and one a brunet with a scar just like Jake's. The last man looked an awful lot like a trucker, but missing something...probably a beard.

"I'll keep an eye out." Chris said.

* * *

Meanwhile, Nathan Drake was making the aquaintance of two men who looked like they belonged in outer space. "Kaidan Alenko." the first introduced himself. "John Shephard." said the other.

"Nathan Drake." Nate said, sticking out his hand and having it shaken.

"Who all is here, do you think?" Kaidan asked.

"At first I thought only Capcom and Konami guys were here. But now I see a lot more." John mentioned.

"I've got no idea why. Might as well socialize." Nate said.

"Well, while you're at it, go give that dragon-era looking man a hug, he seems kinda lonely." Kaidan advised. Nate spotted the man in question quickly; he was dressed in huge gold and red armor, and was sitting in the corner, looking kind of wary.

"Can I talk to you? I'm Nathan." he said, walking over to the man and sticking out his hand. The man, who had a strange dirty-blonde-ish red color of hair, shook his hand slowly. "My name is King Alistair Theirin." he said quietly.

"A king, huh?" Nate said. "Goin' through some shock there? We all are." he said. Alistair stood up slowly. "I suppose so." he said. "All of the other men here seem like they are from a different...time period." he said.

"They, we, are." Nathan said. "But let's at least leave the fourth wall some dignity, okay?" he said, patting the man on the back.

* * *

Off in another section of the large room, yet more military men were making the aquaintance of the white-robed men.

"I'm Martin Walker, and these are John Lugo and Alphonso Adams." Walker introduced. Hands were shaken, and the first of the four men stepped forward. "My name is Altair." he said. "And these are my...sons?" he whispered into the ear of the man to his left.

"Little brothers." Desmond whispered back.

"And these are my brothers, Ezio, Connor, and Desmond." Altair said.

"A pleasure." Walker said, and Lugo and Adams nodded.

"Do you know what country we're in?" Lugo asked, clearing his throat.

"Sadly, no." Ezio said. "Those two men might know, however." he said, pointing across the room at two men who seemed to be, out of everyone present, getting along by far the easiest.

* * *

"So Gene. Do you know about any-" Adam Jensen cut his sentence off, and he and the tattooed man in front of him turned their attention to new company.

"Pardon us," the guy in the white zipper jacket said. "Do you know where we are?" he said, scratching his head.

"Nope." Gene said.

"I wondered if it was a scheme or something."

"I thought we were in the Ninth Circle of Hell." Gene quipped. "A big, boring-ass white room."

"Not a bad idea." Desmond answered. "Maybe-"

But again he was cut off, this time by the sound of a door opening.

* * *

"Welcome!" Ashley said.

"Ashley?!" Leon said, dumbfounded.

"Yep, Ashley Graham! You're all contestants on the next episode of The Bachelorette!" Ashley yelped with glee. "Starring yourselves, and me!"

"Oh no." Chris said. "Oh HELL no. Leon, you know this girl?"

"Nope." Leon said immediately.

"You just called her Ashley." Piers reminded him.

"Nah uh. Never seen her before in my life." Leon insisted.

"It's because of you that we're here, isn't it?" both of the men named Alex accused.

"I don't-" Leon tried.

"I'm out of here." Chris said, pushing past Ashley out the door.  
"Count me out." Piers said.  
"I ain't dealin' with this shit." Jake said.  
"Stupid teenage obsessions." Derek mused on his way out.  
"Ignorant girl." Wesker spat.  
"Little bitch." Jack insulted.  
"I'm gone." Dee Ay said, waving goodbye.  
"No way am I staying here." Billy said.  
"Sorry girl, not quite old enough." Carlos said with a laugh.  
"Goodbye." Josh said curtly.  
"Ashley..." Leon said face red as he left.  
"I am insulted." Alex Koza said.  
"Well, this'll make a good book." Harry snuffed as he passed.  
"I'm not crazy...at least, I don't think I am." James repeated.  
"Maybe I should just stay away from women." Travis said sadly.  
"Crazy little shit." Alex said, aiming at both Ashley and James.  
"Put me back in jail." Murphy said.  
"This is not home. This place...sucks." Alistair tried out.  
"Jesus fuckin' Christ..." Lugo said,  
"Amen." Adams agreed.  
"Let's just get back to business." Walker said tiredly.  
"I need a night at Chora's to forget this." Kaidan said.  
"You're not on leave from my bed, soldier." John whispered to him.  
"I'm going to go explore somewhere else." Nathan said.  
"Missing Lucy." Desmond said.  
"Women are crazy." Ezio said, not even looking at Ashley.  
"Stay away from me and mine." Altair said harshly.  
"Unforgivable." Connor said.  
"Even Olivia wasn't this messed up." Gene said.  
"I'd lose my arms all over again before staying here." Adam J. said.  
"_Saddler feura, perras_." Osmund said.

"What!? No, you can't leave! Wait!" Ashley said, but she was helpless to stop the tide of men she'd kidnapped-ah, coerced and brought here. They left, one by one. Until she was in an empty room.

* * *

Ashley sighed. She's finally gone through with her plan, only to have it fail. "I knew I should have taken measures." she said. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't notice the small man in front of her until she'd smacked right into him.

"Salazar!" she said surprised. "Oh, hi, have you seen the rest of the guys?" she asked.

The small man dusted himself off. "I passed the Supernatural and Spartacus casts, and one man who identified himself as Kratos. Am I too late for the bachelor gathering?" he asked.

"Um, no." Ashley said, going red. "It's right through that door." she said, pointing.

"Many thanks, girl." he said, and pushed himself through it. Of course, he was too small to notice the EXIT sign bolted above it.


End file.
